my sick and twisted journey through the hardships of anorexia.
1 slice of turkey sandwich meat
1 grande iced chia from starbucks
It’s been a pretty good day and I’m not really even hungry :)
From the minute I wake up in the morning till the second I lay my head down to sleep. . All I can ever think about is how I wish I were: Thin. Skinny. Frail. Fragile. Small. . I want to see my bones slightly protruding through my skin. . I want to be a fragile little girl. . I want heads to turn when I walk in a room. . I want to feel beautiful. . I want to be beautiful. . Perfect. . I want to be free
But, only because I am a happier person with it in my life. . I enjoy the sensation of being empty and light. . I live to see pounds drop off the scale. . I feel more in control and more myself when I am deep inside a fast… BUT . . I do not support Anorexia when it gets to a stage of sickness and mental breakdown. . I do not support anything that is hurting someone. . I believe that for some it is a true sickness for others it is a self esteem booster and love/hate way of life. . I do not like that I have to resort to the act of starvation but this is what works for me. . I do not want your tears or your help. . I’m a smart girl who knows her limits. . I am simply a happier person when I am thinner and I think many people feel that way. . That is the only reason I am Pro Ana. . If you want to slim down the healthy/hard/long way be my guest. . This is what works for me. . . And I need it.
So far today I’ve eaten a salad from my school’s cafeteria. It was probably too many calories and I should feel guilty, but I’m not going to eat anything else today. If I slip I’m going to force myself to throw up
1 Diet Dr. Pepper- 0 calories
She wasn’t born anorexic, but nowadays she suffers,
staring at these half-naked stars on magazine covers.
feeling pressured by the public.
She only weighs 90 pounds but still sucks in her stomache.
On the inside she’s dieing, lying to herself, thinking:
- 5 more pounds won’t jeopardize my health.
One day she might just collapse, she can’t avoid it.
Too many sleepless nights spent bent over a toilet.
Spewing vomit, like she was an alcoholic.
Praying to a God she never believed in to stop it.
Now she looks like the skeleton she sees in her closet.
So close to death she can taste it, body looks wasted.
Hates life, hates you, hates the way she looks naked.
Now she’s feeling drowsy, lousy,
thinking maybe this world’s better off without me
If I were skinny, my entire life would be better. People would like me more, my career would be more possible, I would be able to wear better clothes and feel comfortable in them. I just feel like being skinny is the ultimate goal in order for the rest of my life to be amazing. Some people can just go on a simple diet and lose weight, but I can’t. This is my only option. I want this with all me heart and soal. With every ounce of my being. I want to be skinny.
I’m not going to tell you my name so that this stays anonymous. But I will tell you a little about myself. I’m a college student with a bit of OCD in me. For me, pretty much everything has to be perfect. I love in a large city where everything depepnds on my looks. I want to be a journalist/videographer. I’m 5’9”, I have balck hair, green eyes and a pretty face. The problem is…my body is ugly.
My eating disorder started when I was 12. I never really cared about how I looked before that. I was a Tom Boy, I guess. But when I started middle school everyone around me seemed to care about looks and clothes and hair. I felt ugly. All I wanted was to be pretty. I started going shopping and wearing make-up and straightening my hair, but nothing was making me feel as pretty as everyone esle. One day, after I got out of the shower, I looked in the mirror and realized what was wrong. I was fat.
I decided that the first step would be to go on a diet. I begged my mom to buy me a beauty magazine and i googled everything I could about diets. I started by eating fruit in the morning, a salad in the afternoon, and meat and veggies in the evening. But I wasn’t losing weight. Slowly I started to cut more and more from my diet and when I would stray I would feel liek a piece of shit.
I deceided that the only way to keep on track was to punish myself for eating fattening things. Everytime i strayed…I would cut myself. I strayed less and cut more and more. I started losing large amounts of weight each month. But nothing was ever good enough. I got down to 88 pounds and was happy there.
Over the years I have gained back about 50 pounds due to an attempt at recovery, but I’m ready to be skinny again. I’m at 140 right now. My goal is 120.
Are you ready to follow my sick and twisted adventure?
***I realize that anorxia is a bad thing and I do not promote being anorexic at all. If you are anorexic I encourage you to read this blog to realize how hard it is and to seek help***